Volume 37: You Only Need Three Things to Survive: Fire, Water, and a Reason to Complain
by Brent Luca, Ocean Wolves Weapons Specialist, Probably Not Your Friend.
Day 1 – The Basics (aka Don’t Be an Idiot).
If you’re reading this, congrats — you’re alive and soft. Let’s fix that.
Rule #1: Don’t die.
Obvious? Yeah. So is “don’t stand in front of the guy with a rifle,” but people still do it.
If you’re the kind of person who hikes without a knife or thinks bear spray is “aggressive,” go ahead and close this tab and try yoga instead.
Gear You Actually Need:
A good knife. Not a fancy mall katana. Something that cuts rope and enemies.
Duct tape. Fixes wounds, tents, relationships.
Caffeine pills—sleep is for corpses.
Bonus Tip: If someone brings banana bread to a crisis, they’re the villain. Don’t trust them. They’ll be the first to suggest a team-building exercise right before we all die.
Day 4 – Team Survival (aka Herding Cats with Guns).
I work with a team. They’re the best in the world and I love them, but if one more of them makes me emotionally feel things, I’m eating my own boots.
Profiles:
Ethan (Team leader): Will make you cry with leadership speeches. Do not look him directly in the heart.
Liev (The Human Boulder): Broods. Smells like cave water and sadness. Can carry a grown man one-handed. Don’t touch his coffee.
Nik (Mr. Sunshine): Brings you tea. Laughs like he doesn’t have knives hidden in his socks. Watch your six.
Duke (The Medic): Patch you up with one hand, knock you out with the other. May have been raised by wolves.
Cade (Tech Guy/aka Bambi): Has hacked a satellite mid-dive while eating Cheetos. I do not understand his ways.
Me (The Asshole): Keeps everyone alive. Complains about it constantly. Smells like gun oil and interesting decisions.
Day 12 – How to Know You’re Falling for a Woman in a Tactical cargo pants.
She yells at you and you say thank you.
She shoots better than you and you’re turned on.
She saves your life, then tells you to shut up.
This is not a drill. This is emotional vulnerability. Abort.
Emergency Go-Bag Must-Haves:
Dried meat
Waterproof lighter
Trauma bandages
A photo of your team you pretend you don’t carry
A laminated “Do Not Resuscitate If I’m Near Civilians” card
Survival isn’t about strength. It’s about being pissed off enough at the universe that it doesn’t get to kill you yet.
Also, always carry extra socks. Wet feet are the devil.
Coming soon:
Volume 38: “Don’t Eat the Berries and Other Romance Advice”
Volume 39: “She Touched My Gun and I Felt Things — What Now?”
If you’re on the team and you found this blog: No, you didn’t.
Quote this back to me and I’ll hide your socks, and reprogram your pulse rifle to play Taylor Swift every time you fire.
—Luca 
